Kinda funny, when I think about it.

I voted for Bush in ?92 and Dole on 96, and I really am one of those people who think character makes a difference in a President. Yet as much as I despise him as a leader, I've got to tell you, he sure has turned my sex life upside down. It all started when I began to wonder just what was so all-powerful about a play job that someone would put his entire reputation at stake just for that. That preyed on my mind for a long time. You see, I'm married to my third wife. As a matter of fact, I married the first, third and sixth woman who took me by the hand and lead me to the bedroom. It's not that I'm completely unstable, my first and second marriages both lasted 7 years, and the third is now on its twelveth. And until Bill Clinton came along, I had been extremely well satisfied with my sex life. Yes, I was aware that most sexual relationships had included oral sex, but mine never had, and since I had never had a play job, it really wasn't any big deal.

But as the Bill and Monica episode played out, getting a play job slowly became an obsession with me. So I talked to my wife, and she was absolutely firm in turning me down.

She could see that it was a big deal with me, but said she just couldn't bring herself to try to do it. I brought it up again in about six weeks, and here's what she told me.

"I've been thinking about this play job thing. I know you want to try that, and while I just can't bring myself to do so, I understand that it is really important to you, and I don't want to create a situation that puts our marriage at risk. So here is what I have thought about. You don't ever bring it up again, and I won't ask any questions of you. If you find a way to get one, I don't want to know about it, I don't want to suspect anything, and for God's sake, I don't want to catch anything. Understand?" I said I did, and things went on. I kept hoping that someone would to walk up to me and say "You know, if you can find a few minutes, I would really love to such your thingy." And other than that, I couldn't see any way for it to happen.

I'm afraid if I tried to find a prostitute, I would be the one who ends up in the police sting operation, and that was out. Or if I came on to someone at work they would either cry sexual harassment or even worse, tell my wife.

And I never have been able to handle the bar scene. So for about nine months, I continued to suffer in silence. Then one day I was doing some research on the internet, and accidentally came across an adult bulletin board. I kept going back to it for about three weeks, then I got up my nerve and tried something. Since my work took me to two fairly good size cities about 500 miles from home on a regular basis, I took a look at the listings for those cities.

I had to go slow, because my wife and I had always used the same credit card, and I just couldn't see explaining a membership charge to her, so I was stuck with the 5 profile per day search limit that was imposed on the free membership. I just started in every day trying to respond to as many as I could, and since when I viewed the profiles, just less than half of them fit the criteria I felt most likely to get results. I kept some track of what I was doing, and I was about to get out from 8 to 12 e-mails each week. It was about 6 weeks before I got any response, and that looked promising for a while, but they just never seemed to pan out everyone wanted to have cybersex, and I was not going to settle for anything besides a mouth on my thingy. Then about 5 months after I started, I got responses from both of those cities that seemed to be promising.

I was going to be spending 4 days in one of those cities in just two weeks, so I suggested that we meet to see if there was any chemistry between us.

It was hard for me to get anything done the first two days I was there, and I thought that the evening of the second day would never come.

That's when she was supposed to meet me in the lounge of the hotel where I stayed. I was there, where I was supposed to be, and right on time, a woman came up to me and ask the question we had agreed on. She was older than she had said she was, was more than just a little overweight so am I, but she had lied about it but in the over- all scheme, those things really were not so important. We had a couple of drinks, and talked for about an hour, and then she just told me she wasn't interested. I had known all along that was a possibility, but things seemed to be going so well and I was really disappointed.

Now I've been in sales all my life, and I have learned not to take no for an answer without trying to find out if there is any way things could be salvaged. So I just looked at her, and as nicely as I could, asked her what I had done wrong. I don't think she really meant to tell me, but I just kept listening and she just kept talking. I knew that she was in an open marriage and always took her guys home with her. Seems her husband had been on her about her weight lately, so she was bound and determined that the next guy she took home was going to be some well-muscled stud. So my 50 year old couch potato body had shut me out, and believe me, frustrated was not the word to describe what I felt.

After all that work, and after things seeming to be going so well, here I was getting the door slammed right on my fact. Then the strangest thing happened. She said that there were a few girls at work that she had told about her on-line extra curricular activities, and she thought one of them had been really turned on by the idea of a little adventure, and happened to be sitting at a table in this lounge with two other women.

She said "Look, give my your room number and then go up there.

Watch television or something, and if I don't have her up there in an hour, then forget about it." Since that seemed better than just giving up, I agreed. About 40 minutes later, there was a knock on my door.

My e-mail friend, at least 55 and 30 pounds overweight, brought this 20 something gorgeous blue-eyed brunette into the room and said "This is the guy who has never had a play job. Why don't you take care of that, then teach him how to eat softness?" Then she turned and walked out of the room. So now I don't wonder any more. I know what a play job is, and I get one every time I visit that city. And the gorgeous brunette tells me that I'm a natural at eating softness.